I’m feeling a little lost right now. I know that part of it is my dad not being here but there is more. I live out of state from my brother and sister. They are able to see each other as often as their schedules allow. I don’t have that. Yes, I chose to live out of state and I love where I live but, that doesn’t change the lost feeling. Their physical presence is what connects me to dad. With them not with me I feel somewhat disconnected.

I always knew that losing my dad would be hard on me. I am just feeling completely blindsided by all of the emotions I am feeling. Guilt for being happy, anger that he is gone, angry that things weren’t in order to help deal with things after, dispair one minute and understanding the next. I’m not sure I know how to grieve or if what I am going through is normal, right, wrong, crazy or what. I’m not sure how to be o.k. again because a piece of me is gone.


10 thoughts on “

  1. It is always so interesting to me how when you’re on my mind, you’ve posted a new blog. I decided while I ate some breakfast this morning before starting work I would “just read” any posts. And here you are. It’s times like these that I feel I fumble around a lot in knowing what to say. Wanting to desperately encourage and comfort, while at the same time knowing there’s really not much I can do. So many people think that “well, the funeral’s over, it’s finished.” Yet, very few realize that for the families, it’s just begun. The funeral is just that formal business to get through til you can truly mourn. I think what you are going through is completely normal. It is completely understandable…here you are, a daughter mourning while at the same time you’re a Mom taking care of your girls. For me it’s always a tug of war of; I know I need to mourn, yet it’s not my kids’ responsibility to help me through this. So, I keep a brave face so they aren’t burdened. I also believe that God gives us the happy times and laughter to help us get through the difficult ones. It doesn’t mean you love your Dad any less. It’s a testament to the “job well done” in his life. You’re a product of him! As for your siblings…that’s a tough one. It makes complete sense why you feel the way you do. That’s a tough one even when both parents are living. I miss my siblings terribly. One last thought…it’s also perfectly alright to tell God how you feel. Including the anger. He’s a big God, He can handle it. I believe that as long as we don’t cross the line of disrespect, we can tell God exactly how we feel. Let me tell you, when you just let it all out…the frustration, anger, hurt, loss, guilt, etc…He will sweep in and wrap His presence around you. There is so much release and strength in moments like those. Where God says, “I know, I’m hurting for you, and I’m here.” Even if the answers never come, remember that God is close to the broken hearted and that the righteous are never forsaken. Rest in Him, rely on Him…I promise it is ok to let Him carry you. To let your husband be “the strong one” now. And you feel your husband isn’t, God can cover that too. I love you so very much. Even though I am a long way away, my heart aches for you. I know all too well that feeling of despair, like the pain will never end and I am going to fall apart at any moment. That’s how I know what God can do! It’s no longer a cliche for me, it’s a reality! I pray you find the same to be true. Have a BLESSED day!

  2. You are doing fine, sweetheart. The emotion storm is normal. You are normal. The confusion is not of your doing. Youe see, JoAnn, we were not created to die. God made us to live. That is what is so awful about death. It was never meant for us. That makes dealing with it so very hard. But you, my friend, are doing wonderfully well and I am so very proud of you.
    You are wrapped up in my thoughts and prayers.
    Old Hat

  3. JoAnn-thanks for stopping by!  I appreciate you posting whether it’s just a sentence or two or to express your honest state of being.  Amazing how many emotions we can go through in any given day huh?  And I totally relate to being separated from your family…..I have 3 sisters who are not only my sisters but my very best friends.  It’s so very hard not living close to them and for my kids to not be close to their cousins.  Especially when most folks where we currently live are from here and all their family is here.  And my folks are both still living.  I can only imagine the support and connection we would need during such a loss.  Stay connected with them as best you can as often as you can, whether e-mail, xanga, phone calls, whatever….it helps! 
    you’re in my thougths an prayers!

  4. You are never too far away. I know we can’t see each other all the time, but I think of you everyday. Our world has been turned upside down and we are trying so hard to find a way to deal with it. The emotions that you are feeling, the ups and downs and twist and turns are normal. I feel them too. I LOVE YOU! Time will heal but we will never forget. If you ever need me anytime (even 2am) call me I will answere the phone. I don’t sleep anyway.
    Come home when you can and until then we will talk as often as we can.

  5. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 2 yrs. ago, and my mom 6 yrs. ago. There’s no one right way to grieve. I would go from sobbing my eyes out to being thankful that he was with God. It does change you; I don’t think a person is the same after the loss of someone so close. But that’s not bad. Just part of our growing and maturing. The best thing for me was to snuggle on the couch with my children. Children are wonderful medicine for grief. Prayers.

  6. There are no rules in grieving.  Let your feelings flow friend.  You and your children will learn from you embracing your feelings no matter how hard they are.  Be strong and “not strong” mama. Your heart will slowly heal.     
    I feel so much sadness when I think about how this may feel for you. Prayers and love your way!!

  7. Hi, you don’t know me but I found your blog from the ap group in town.  I just wanted to share that losing my own dad was the single hardest thing that I’ve had to face yet.  It has been seven years.  The time hasn’t dulled the pain or the feelings of missing out on him being a part of my life now, him not being in my kids lives and not being there for support to my husband as an older, more mature man…I know it is appointed unto man once to die and then the judgement, but I wanted him longer.  I want my dad.  I know in my heart he is content and wouldn’t come back here if he could, but I miss him.  Cry, feel and talk to your siblings and husband about the pain.  For me, being vocal about my feelings to those who love me helped.  Also remember that this loss can still be used to conform you to the image of Christ.

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