I had great intentions of starting some new traditions and completing some fun projects this year and it just hasn’t happened. Partly because of finances but mostly because I have not been doing as well as I thought I was.

The depression snuck in without me realizing it.

Memories of my dad come without warning and the tears flow too.

Trying to be strong for my girls.

Tired of not being able to just grieve without questions from little people.

Emi talked about him a lot yesterday because we were at the ER with Ace.

She wants to go to his house to see him.

She can’t and there is no understanding that at 3.

We were going in with my brother to get him a grill.

Now I can’t watch a stupid home depot commercial without getting upset.

I find myself in a club of thoses who lost a loved one to cancer and I never asked for membership.

I HATE this, do you hear me, I HATE THIS!


Why isn’t he here so I can call him on Christmas day, why isn’t he here so he can enjoy the babies?

He didn’t deserve to die the way that he did.

He just didn’t.


9 thoughts on “

  1. No, sweetheart. He didn’t deserve that end. I truly believe that one reason death is so hard for us to handle is because were not created to die. God created us to live. That is what we were made for. That was and is our purpose from the beginning. I know God hates death more than I do because that was what Jesus came to destroy. Yes, he died for our sins and yes he makes a relationship with God possible again, but what the Bible tells us his victory was over death. He conquered death. Think about that with me for a minute, JoAnn. Jesus conquered death. He may have, but people still die. So what does that mean? I think it means more than just that our spirit lives on after our body has died. It means we might not understand life anymore than we understand death. Life as Jesus meant for us to have it. Abundantly and with an awareness of the way we are bound together in Him. That is why I can sit here this morning and imagine my Daddy and yours swapping stories about us together in heaven. Bragging about grandkids and comforting one another. Yes, comforting one another. I know the popular belief is that there is no pain and no grief in heaven, but I tend to disagree. The Bible plainly tells us of a great cloud of witnesses. My daddy and yours are in that group now. JoAnn, there is no way your daddy could witness your grief and not weep with you and for you. He loves you still, just like he always has. Even more perfectly know. That is why the Bible tells us that in heaven God will wipe every tear. There would be no need for that if no one was crying.
    I think that perhaps what God uses to dry your Daddy’s eyes in heaven is just a purer form of what dries them at times here in this life…hope. The certain knowledge that I will see my daddy again and that his love for me know is more perfect than it was before gives me great hope. It does not always dry my tears, but it does ease the pain in my heart when it becomes unbearable. In heaven that hope is manefested by the very presence of Jesus. There is no more doubt. Your Daddy now knows the good plans God has for you and he is able to rest in that knowledge. I am a Daddy and I can tell you that until your Daddy met Jesus face to face he never believed that anyone could ever love you more than he did. Jesus is the only person your Daddy ever met who loved you even mre than he does. Jesus loves you perfectly and with a power that your Daddy knows first hand now. There is great comfort in that for your Daddy. Believe me, sweetheart, that knowledge makes up for every minute of pain and suffering. It makes it all worth it – knowing that your little girl is treasured and cared for by the King of kings.
    That may help your Daddy, but you are still his little girl with the broken heart. I know. I am so sorry. I offer you the only comfort I have found; a heart that is also broken, eyes that weep still for my daddy and hope. Hope that one day we will be with them again. Hope that one day will will understand. Hope that one day we will stand in the presence of the One who loves us perfectly and He will wipe away all of these tears.
    I love you, JoAnn.
    Daddy Hat
    Oh, Jojo, I wish I could wipe your tears in the same way God wipes your Daddy’s tears away. I can only remind you of the hope to which I cling and tell you that I believe in the fullness of time our hope will be revealed and we will know where now we wonder. I know how much your Daddy loves you and yet I know God loves you even more.

  2. I wish for you Peace.One thing I learned in my experience with my own depression and definitely the best advice and most twisted (at the time) advice I was told was; don’t fight the feelings go with them. Yeah I know. But see, heres the logic, if you fight those outbursts, tears and the like, they build up. You explode inside either later on with some really maniac behavior or your brain overloads and you shut down. Get it?Another thing.When you get in a low or feelings of entrapment.. change your environment. If you are inside.. go outside. Do the OPPOSITE of what you would normally do. If you want to crawl into the closet and shut out the world.. force yourself to get the keys and go for a drive.On seeing the grill and crying… let it come out. Just tell the girls you need a hug, let them be your snuggle; I am not saying don’t hide some of the major tears.. but allow yourself to go through whatever course this takes. If you don’t IT WILL come out.. uncontrolled.. this way you have the reins somewhat.Hope this helps.. I wish I could comfort you in person. One day I know you will be my words when I need someone who can relate.

  3. (((HUGS)))  I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling w/ the tears & sadness so much…. It won’t hurt the girls to know that is why you’re sad.  They’ll pick up on the sadness whether you think you’re showing it or not.  They need to be able to grieve, too, & if they can do it *with* you, instead of hiding b/c they think it’ll make you even sadder, the better it will be for all of you.
    RYC:  Is Ace doing okay now?
    Just so you know, Darci asked me the other day when you & I were going to get together for lunch at her cafe….  I think *she* wants to meet you too!  Sometime after the first of the year sound okay?  ((((HUGS again))))  ~Lori

  4. {{{big hugs}}} I’m so sorry darlin’.
    Yes, I am in that stinkin’ club too. I hate it. It’s been 2 years now and I still hate it.
    It has gotten better. I still cry when certain things trigger memories, but it is better now. I hope that gives you some hope.

  5. This is tough, I’m not sure if there are any words to say that would truly comfort you. My heart breaks so deeply for you. The only thing that comes to mind is don’t feel guilty for the way that you feel. It is ok. Be angry, be ticked off, tell God how you feel…then place it in His hands. Which basically means, put yourself in His hands. You are handling this better than you think. Your children do need learn how to process grief. You’re probably thinking, “I don’t know how myself!” Keep turning to God, let your daughters watch you trust Him, and eventually, you’ll see the growth. That beautiful flower springing up out of such harsh circumstances. Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Your “night” may be for a long season, but this valley will end. “This too shall pass.” I don’t think the pain from your loss will ever completely go away. Just this deep darkness. Don’t be afraid to let go and allow God to carry you. I understand completely feeling the need to be strong for your children. You can have strength while relying on God. Plus, you are giving your daughters the tools they will need as they grow up and face difficult times in their lives. You are stronger than you think. You are precious and loved. Continue to grieve for your Dad. It’s ok to let those things go that may seem important. You have the freedom to be sad and angry this Christmas time. Celebrate the good he left behind and the love your family has today. I wish I was closer to just be there to help with some of the daily “stuff.” If anything (and if you’re like me) keep the girls for a day and allow you to be be by yourself. So you can cry, scream, stomp your feet, dance a little jig (hey, anything’s possible) 🙂 or whatever you feel like doing. Maybe that’s not a bad idea. Find a friend or someone who can take the girls for the day and give you a chance to just be. I think that would be good for you. I love you so much. I hope that in spite of all of this grief, you have a Merry Christmas. As difficult as that may be.

  6. Oh, mama (((((hugs))))  It’s okay to still grieve.  It’s a cycle that goes up and down and round and round.  You go ahead and grieve in whichever way feels right to you.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone.  Just let it out, mama.
    Thinking of you…

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