The problems are financial. They are always financial. They have been for 14years. It seems that no matter what we do we are always the ones in need.

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of playing the game.

I’m tired of hearing the Christian answers to our problems because quite frankly right now I think they are a load of crap.

We have done what we are supposed to do.

We took a better paying job and we were paying off debt and paying cash for things. We didn’t spend more than we could make.

That job was taken from us due to restructuring of the company. My husband wasn’t the only person to lose his job.

We kept the faith, my husband even bought us a plaque that had some spiritual saying on it that was, at that time very encouraging.

Since then we have lost 20K in salary, been cheated by two Christian companies and now we work for a small company where it’s the owner and my husband that are the designers.

No one is buying landscaping right now because of the economy. It’s May. By May in a landscaping company you are usually full till fall and then by June you are into the first part of the next season.

No sales means no commission. His salary isn’t enough. We accumulated debt in order to live not buy a tv.If someone is let go it will be my husband.

And see in all of this I am trying to see how this is good for our family. How I should be thankful for always being the one in need. For always needing help. For being the poor ones in the family who just don’t know how to stop having kids.

What’s really funny is that the bottom three have only increased our food bill. I haven’t had to buy clothes for any of them since they were born. I use cloth diapers, I nurse them until they can “ask” for it.

I’m frugal till my head hurts. We work to keep our errands to the same day during the week. I shop Goodwill, consignment, garage sales etc.

I don’t want a hand out, or a bail out. I just want to be back in the position we were in when we were in Georgia. I want to be able to help someone else. Even when we were making good money we still did Goodwill, consignment etc. That won’t change because that’s just the way we do things.

Then due to a banking error we are overdrawn in our account and of course the fees snowball quickly. So now I have had to take money that I had for dental work and the money for a photography trip I had planned with Aly this weekend and put it in the bank in hopes of keeping us from having more fees than we have paycheck.

I’m angry, very angry.

I’m tired of the struggle.

My kids are scared.

I’m scared.

And my husband is just about as depressed as I am.

We have resumes out.

We hear nothing.

The only thing that is good right now is my marriage and our relationship with our kids.

I’m tired of watching dishonest people continually get ahead. I see people who lie and cheat and steal from their customers, their family and their friends and they always have what they need financially.

Like I said before I don’t care what is going to happen after this life. I care what happens to me and my family this side of heaven. Here, where you can’t eat for free and where being the good guy is a bunch of bull shit.

So there you have it.

I do appreciate the care and concern. I’m sorry if I scared anyone. It wasn’t my intent. I am just done.

I’m tired of hearing “God will bless if you tithe.” or “God is your provider.” or “Look what Job went through.” I’m sorry for what Job went through, I think I would die if I lost a child. But I’m not Job and his story really doesn’t do anything to get the bills paid and get us to a place of enough.

Right now I don’t think that God cares and I really feel that life if about who you know and a whole lot of luck thrown in with some out right dishonesty.

9 thoughts on “

  1. Hi there. I am a subscriber but we don’t really correspond. I have been in your position before. As far as Christianity goes, there’s no formula. God doesn’t bless people who tithe, he blesses people who gladly give in faith, and if that’s not where you are, don’t waste your money. I will pray for you that you will be taken care of and that you will have peace.

  2. “The only thing that is good right now is my marriage and our relationship with our kids.”    this is the one thing that matters, the thing that will get you through no matter what. You are good, loving people and you want to make it work and I am so sorry things keep falling apart when you are trying so hard.  I know the feeling, I do.   But you are strong and smart and willing and there has to be a way to make things better.  As the kids grow, it will be much easier for you to find work you can do at home and still be with them and this could help a great deal, at least this is what has worked for me. 
    that said, i do not blame you for feeling “done” and wanting to just quit, you are only human. Sometimes I think it helps to just throw your hands in the air and surrender to the circumstances for a little bit in order to stand back up again, if that makes any sense. 

  3. all I can say is this… and maybe it’s not very encouraging. so I’m sorry in advance. God never promises us financial security. I KNOW how you feel. I really really do. I know you are doing everything “right”. and it isn’t your fault. and it’s depressing and scary and SO frustrating to constantly be put into financial hardships when you’re always doing your best to avoid them. (your family sounds SO much like ours!). so please do not think for a minute I do not understand. (we lived for the last 5.5 yrs in my parents basement apartment! this is our VERY first house by ourselves ever – after being together for 12 yrs. and we were not irresponsible with our money!)God doesn’t promise us financial security, only spiritual. if you are angry about this – take it to God. get it out of your system. lay it on the table. kick and scream. have a temper tantrum. and then hopefuly find rest that that’s ok. i have to do this over and over again. i wish i could say i’m ok with the financial stress – i’m not. i hate it. sometimes i hate it so much my blood boils! but after a good tantrum God often puts his loving arms around us and wipes our tears away and puts this back into prospective. I will pray for you.(even if you’re sick of hearing it) and i hope you dont hate me for being honest.

  4. @HennyPenne – I’m not mad at you. I know your heart and have followed your blog long enough to understand where you are coming from. I’m not sure at this moment that I completely agree with the statement that God doesn’t promise us financial security and I’m not opening it up for debate right now. 😉 I have been taught differently from others. If you tithe, if you give, if you follow Godly principles then God will bless you. He will take the money from the wicked and give it to you. These are the teachings that have been fed to me. This has never manifested in our lives. We have watched it happen in others and it has left us feeling like some how were just weren’t Godly enough. I’m not past the anger, I’m not sure when I will be. Thanks for the prayers because I’m not able to utter them for myself right now.

  5. @jo11931 – I understand where you are coming from. I was taught this too in my church growing up. and then I started thinking about missionaries. and people in other countries. and people I know who gave and never got back even close to what they gave and it didn’t seem right to me. I SO don’t want to argue you that point, please don’t take it that way. I just hate seeing you feel like you’re failing b/c lack of a financial blessing. I so enjoy reading about you and your family… but really if you’d rather not me comment anymore on this topic I really wont. not trying to add fuel to your fire. I will just pray for you from afar 😉

  6. JoAnn. I hope I didn’t say anything that felt anything like your standard Christian garble. I completely understand your anger and pain. I have had many many times when I’ve asked the universe, “when is it my turn?” I tell myself all the time that I don’t mind being poor, but deep down I know it’s not really true. I’m as tired of the constant struggle as you are. I question god’s existance often and then things happen that tell me that there is something/someone/some existance that does seem to order things. Idk. I just wonder why it is that I see so much struggle and pain in the lives of good/decent/hardworking and god loving people while others seem to have it all. I know where you’re coming from, l really do. Maybe we can really dive into all of this on UGJ. I’m so glad you’re there. 🙂

  7. I can sure relate, JoAnn. It’s been 23 years for us. And my husband’s “good” job, which would have been laughably small by most people’s standards, was taken away in December. My dad continually lectures us as if we have been somehow bad, when in one case a coworker framed him to get him fired, and in the other they laid off all the highest-paid people (of a group of pathetically-paid people). The fact that we could barely live on what he made before and can now hardly live at all somehow means we’re “bad” and “out of God’s will”, so he’s constantly sending us sermons on tape, and giving us email “talkings to” and offering us gifts of large sums with huge ropes attached. He, too, somehow thinks that we should both go get jobs at gas stations and that would make things all better.I’m not mad at God, although I’m confused. I’m really upset with my dad, though.

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