*On behalf of a friend who just lost her dad a month ago, and who’s name I changed.

 

Dear friend and family members of Joy*,

Joy has recently lost her father. This was something that was totally unexpected. The same day he passed away she and her children had spent time with him like they did every day of their lives. They said goodbye and 20minutes later he was gone.

This is the first death she has dealt with in her life. She is grieving, as is to be expected. She is hurting. She is likely cycling through many emotions at a rate of speed that confuses her. She has probably felt angry, she is most definitely dealing with depression, and she is probably asking a lot of questions of the God that she loves.

Please listen to these next words closely. …….

SHE IS NOT LACKING FAITH!!!!!! Just because you have been able to grieve and move on in this short period of time does not mean you are of greater faith than she is. Just because she is dealing with panic attacks and worries that she has never dealt with in her life does not mean she lacks faith. It means that her daddy, the man that raised her, loved her and gave her great joy in her life is GONE and she can’t figure out right now how to move forward with a GIANT PIECE OF HER HEART missing.

Get off your high horse and off your behind and make some meals for this mama of 4. Take it to her house and stay a while and help around the house. Listen to her as she shares her worries, concerns, and memories. Don’t throw out scripture, pat her head, or poo poo what she is feeling. Instead tell her that you are there to listen, that you emphathize with her and then hold her so she can cry until she can’t cry anymore. I have a feeling that that is what Jesus would do. I am more than damn sure he wouldn’t be doing what you have been doing this last month….which is kicking someone who is already down.

Grief does not equal lack of faith. This could last a long time for her. That’s ok. This first year is going to be hell on earth when it comes to Christmas, birthdays, and any other special dates that they shared.

If you insist she put on a happy face and just move on you will be part of creating a bigger problem. You already are with your judgement.

You don’t have to understand,you just need to support her and love her unconditionally. It’s all laid out for you in that book you carry with you, you know the BIBLE. It’s time to stop beating people over the head with it and put it into action.

Pray for her, she needs it. Love her, she needs it. Be with her, she needs that too. And if you don’t know what to say just say I am sorry and then let your actions speak of love and comfort.

Sincerely and quite a bit ticked off on behalf of my friend,

JoAnn

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Reconciling Differences

 

 

If you have been reading here any length of time then you know that we have a 6 year gap between our 2nd and 3rd daughters. We coined the term The Bigs and Littles when Ace, our 4th daughter joined the family. In essence we have one big family with two different dynamics.

I have already seen my oldest two learn to read and the journey was sweet, easy and educational for me. Aly loved to be read to and would sit for a very long time to listen to just about any book I read out loud. This includes chapter books with no pictures. Being an avid reader this was wonderful for me.

Then SiSi came along and she was a different child. She preferred picture books and would wail in agony when I would sit down to read aloud from “chapter books”. If it didn’t have pictures she wasn’t having it. She was also not really big into sitting still while I read. She didn’t want to look at the pictures and turn the pages like Aly did. She would put puzzles together while I read.  I was amazed that later, even though she had been occupied with something else, she could talk about what I had read.

Aly learned to read mostly from being read too and playing games. SiSi learned from being read too and from “Reading Made Easy” by Valerie Bendt. She asked for a reading curriculum and so that is the path we chose. She would go through several lessons in a sitting, leave it for a few weeks, come back to it and then one day we both realized that she was reading and we hadn’t even finished the entire book.

There were no tears (ok, a few in the kindergarten stage before I loosened up), no huge struggles, just us flowing at their pace in the ways that they learned best.

 

Then there are the littles. I don’t think I’ll make it through the process of them learning to read. Reading aloud to them makes me want to pull my hair out. Seriously, the act of sitting down to read to them is something that I really want to look forward too. In reality though, I am mentally running in the opposite direction shouting “SAVE ME! SAVE ME!” There are no tranquil moments of reading while the children are quiet beside you or at your feet. When I read to the littles it looks more like I am trying to wrangle chickens. I can’t get through a sentence without someone asking a question about the picture on the page. Someone is usually trying to turn the page before I am ready or I can’t see to read because they are practically on top of the book trying to see the pictures. Then you throw a 1yo into the mix who thinks that the ripping of pages is the coolest sound on earth and you have one very stressed out and disillusioned mommy.  

I was pining for the days of old, remembering how wonderful it was and wondering why in the world it wasn’t that way now and it dawned on me. When I had the bigs there were three years between the two of them. Not to mention that SiSi was very content to play next to us instead of be in the same space with us and the book.

With the littles I have a 4, 2, and 1yo that are all acting very normal in their development, all at the same time!!!! A 4yo should be curious and ask questions. If it was just her I know I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. But it isn’t just her. Ace asks question too. She has no concept of sentences and the end of the page yet. Z thinks my lap belongs to only her so she constantly fights to remove her sisters from that space along with whatever book I happen to have there.

It is just different and I have a feeling that everything with the littles will be different. Closely spaced siblings are definitely a different dynamic than those that are spaced out.

I will have to be more creative, find different approaches to doing things and most definitely I will have to let go of preconceived ideas based on my past experiences and embrace the experiences that I get to have now in this moment.

 

Living and learning,

Jo-

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