And another one joins team Sickie

Ace joins team sickie today. She woke up running a fever and hacking like the rest of us. She also added throwing up to the mix.

Jorry started with the tight chest feeling last night but texted me to say that he is doing well so far. He is doing zicam and tylenol cold and flu meds. He is on schedule for finishing this job he is working on and can’t afford to get sick like I have been.

No fever so far for me. I did that yesterday though. No fever until about 1pm and then I had one the rest of the day and into the night.

The littles and I are going to see a nurse practitioner today.

Emi has large tonsils and I don’t want her to have issues with her airway.

Z still has a cough and is probably fine but since we will be there I am going to have her lungs listened to as well.

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes!

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Everyone Needs A Tutu

And you can find some wonderful ones in my friend Mary’s shop on etsy

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=8288630

I have one waiting to be opened for Ace’s birthday and another in the works for Emi’s.

They are super sweet and so is Mary. I should know we have been friends for almost 30years.

 

The Illness Chronicles Day 215

Ok so it is really just day 4 but it might as well be day 215 for all the yuckiness that we are dealing with.

I am cautiously going to say that I am feeling better. I have not run a fever since getting up at 6am. I also feel like my chest is not as tight.

Z is still pretty congested but she slept well last night and when she woke this morning her cough was not croupy and was actually what I would consider productive.

Emi is running fever…103 being the highest it has reached at this point. She also has the cough that I have.

Ace is fine so far and so are the bigs. I am praying they all stay healthy.

 

Sick

I have been sick since Friday. I started to feel some tightness in my chest and my throat that afternoon and just felt off.

Saturday I woke up with the same feeling and I felt tired and had developed a cough. I decided to tackle some laundry that needed to be put away and while I was doing that I started to ache. I took my temp and sure enough I had a low grade fever.

I made some soup and rested most of the day. The achiness got bad enough into the evening that I decided to take some ibuprofen. I usually avoid it if I can handle the pain. Once it kicked in I felt better but still so tired.

All day Sat. Z had a runny nose. Sat. night she did not sleep well at all, which means neither did I.

Sunday morning I didn’t feel any worse and thought I was even feeling a bit better. Jorry even said I looked better. Then about an hour or so after that I started to feel worse. Fever was back. Jorry went out for some things so I could make a tea and have some other homeopathic remedies on hand. The trip would usually only take about an hour. It wound up taking almost 4 because of traffic being rerouted in the city!

Sunday evening I just couldn’t handle the mess that surrounded me any longer. I had had some help but it was getting overwhelming again.

So I cleaned the kitchen, made some more tea, and then we headed to bed.

Woke at 1:20am to a fight between the bigs. Diffused that and went back to bed. Sleep eluded me. I noticed that Z wasn’t as stuffy but could tell it had fallen into her chest.

I ran fever all night long. I think I got back to sleep around 3am.

Woke up with Emi and discovered that she had a temp, a cough and an upset stomach.

Ashlyn woke up and she is fine so far.

Then Z woke up and sounded like a seal.

I created a sweat lodge in the bathroom to help open up her airway some and she played with the bathtub letters.

She still has a cough but it isn’t horrible. She is definitely breathing more freely than she was first thing this morning.

I now have head congestion to add to my list of symptoms.That started last night.

We are drinking giner and rosehip tea, taking echinacea, Vit. C, Vit D3, garlic, eating soup loaded with garlic and onions, and I am trying to focus on positive healing thoughts.

I hope everyone in your clan is well. We covet all prayers and positive thoughts. SiSi is supposed to have her birthday party Friday afternoon and a friend over that night. I would like to have everyone well by then!

 

 

October 23 2007

This blog post and possibly a few more to follow are the account of my experience on the day that my dad passed away and the days following.

If you feel it might be too sensitive to read please do not read further.

This is part of my grieving process and I blog to I can get the thoughts out of my head.

 

 

 

 

 

I wake with a start, my cell phone is ringing and I can’t find it. I am searching frantically for it not wanting to really answer it for fear of what the other person on the line might tell me. I find it finally, in my pants pocket, it’s my sister Jill. Daddy is still alive. She was just checking on me and giving me an update.

I’m up now, can’t go back to sleep. I get dressed and gather things for the littles while they still sleep. I think I had coffee with my grandparents and my mom and then as the littles woke I get the ready to go to the hospital with me.

Mom is hanging out with the big girls today. I’m grateful that her boss is so understanding and is letting her have the time off.

I’m out the door in a haze. Little are loaded.

I’m here but I’m not.

Van is parked and we are heading up to the oncology floor. I was born in this hospital. It is a lot larger and different than when I was born here.

When I get to the room my mom’s pastor is in the room. He also works at the hospital. He’s talking with daddy and daddy is nodding and responding still..that is good.

The room clears a bit and I go in with the littles so daddy can see them. They don’t understand but I think daddy is glad to see them.

The day is spent in the small waiting room that is just across from his room. Quiet talking, in and out of the room. My sister has not left his room since the night before and she has been a wonderful advocate for my dad.

It’s evident that daddy is declining. I find it hard to stay in the room.

At some point my sister, brother and myself are in his room and we are alone. Our stepmom and our maw maw are out getting something to eat. They hadn’t left his side either and someone convinced them to get something to eat.

He’s very restless. He reaches up to the mask to try to move it but he can’t. The meds they gave him have made him anxious, the opposite of what it was supposed to do. He wants something but we can’t figure it out. He keeps pointing and I offer him a blanket but I don’t think it’s what he wants. I’m wearing Ace in the sling and I am on the left side of the bed, my sister and brother are on the right. I’m not sure if anyone suggested it but we start praying the hardest prayer that any of us has ever had to pray in our lives.

I cannot bare to watch him suffer. No one should have to go through this.

Sometime after that my sister and brother go get something to eat. I am in the waiting room with my aunts. I don’t remember any specific conversations. My uncle’s wife Prisilla is there. She doesn’t know me well but that doesn’t stop her from being a great help to me from that day and through the days that are to follow.

Jill is back and she tells me that the nurse has let them know that daddy’s kidney’s are failing. Or maybe they told her before she went to eat. I know that this information is what makes me decide to have my mom bring the big girls to the hospital. I also call my cousin and ask her if she can come and get the littles and drive them around so they can sleep.

Prisilla convinces me to go get something to eat while I am waiting for the big girls to arrive.

I eat. Some people can’t eat at times like this but I can. I feel guilty about that.

The bigs are here. Aly stays with Prisilla so she can eat and SiSi goes up to the room with my mom. I asked her to wait until I was up there to take the girls in to the room. I will regret that later.

My cousin calls me to let me know that she is in the parking garage. I take the littles out and install their car seats. I have them loaded in and I kiss them goodbye. As I am turning to close the door I lose my breath for no reason that I can think of. It catches me off guard but I don’t say anything.

I’m heading back into the hospital and my cousin Jenn calls me. I’m updating her when I hear my name over the intercom system. I have no idea where to find a phone I can use. I pop my head into a room of cubicles and ask to use the phone. I call the operator and she tells me that I need to get back to the oncology floor.

I’m racing to the elevators. I push the button and it takes an eternity for the doors to open. I step on and my little sister and my stepmom’s friend are there. We exchange glances but speak no words. I am wishing the elevator moved faster.

The elevator opens and my brother is hugging my aunt. I run past them and I am running as fast as I can to his room. I hear people crying. I see my mom holding SiSi in her lap and I turn into the room and he is gone. I hit the floor at the head of his bed and begin to cry and tell him that I love him and I tell him to breath and rest because now he can.

My granddaddy is trying to get me up off the floor. I can’t hear him. I can’t hear anything.

At some point I move to the door and I meet my oldest as she is getting to the room. My heart hurts because she and SiSi didn’t get to tell him goodbye. I feel guilty. I’m holding her.

They decide to go in later and I remember Aly telling him goodbye.

He looks like he is just taking a nap. My brother thinks the same thing.

At some point the nurse tells us that we will need to leave. Leave, leave him so they can take him, leave. It doesn’t seem right.

Somehow the littles are back with me, the bigs are loaded in and my little sister is with us too.

The rest of the day is a blur. It doesn’t seem real. My heart hurts and I just want to go to sleep and wake up from the nightmare.

Monday Oct. 22 2007

 

The following entry is an account of the day before my dad passed away. If you feel this might be too sensitive to read please do no read any further.

These are my thoughts and my feelings and I need them out of my head. This is my place to blog and this is my grieving process.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m tired from the long drive the day before and somewhat in disbelief that I am walking through what seems like a dream. Seeing my dad last night brought me to tears and complete silence. I had no words. I had never seen my dad so vulnerable…ever.

The plans for the day are to go clean the old apartment so that the keys can be turned over. Jill is working after spending all weekend getting the trailer ready for daddy, Michelle and Jessie to move into. Josh is around…I can’t remember what he is doing I just know he is near.

The littles are with me. Now I remember where Josh is, he is purchasing the cleaning items that we need for the new place. Baking soda, vinegar, peroxide, no chemicals. Chemicals make it harder to breath. Daddy doesn’t need to struggle anymore than he already is.

Michelle called me earlier to ask me if I could come sit with daddy while she went to get some medicine. I decline out of shear fear of something happening while I was there and not knowing what to do. I regret that to this day.

I came by to just check on dad and let them know I was heading out to the apartment. I had stopped at the health food store in town to look for something that I can’t remember now.

When I finally got to the apartment I realized that I had forgotten the keys. So I turn around to go get them. By this time it is raining a heavy south Mississippi rain…wet and sticky at the same time. I parked the van in front of the house and told the littles I would be right back. When I walked in daddy was having trouble breathing. It was an episode like he had this past Saturday. I remember standing there watching him, feeling totally helpless to do anything. His eyes met mine and it was a signal that he needed more help than his meds were able to give. Earlier in the day the home health nurse left morphine. He asked for it, he needed it.

When it was clear that the morphine wasn’t doing anything it was time to call the home health nurse. Michelle called her and I called Josh and Jill.

The drain tube for the fluid in his stomach has clogged and the nurses that arrive can’t get it to work. Daddy is still struggling to breath. 911 is called.

The littles are scared and so I called my cousin Karyn to come get Emi, Ace stays with me. She had my older girls and my little sister Jessie. She was there so fast, freeing me up to concentrate on what was going on with daddy.

The ambulance arrives and the EMTs fill the living room of my sister’s home. They are doing their job and putting daddy on the stretcher when I hear him say to them that he has a DNR order. My heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach.

We call I love you as they take him out the door and into the ambulance. Rides are arranged and Jill and I are behind the ambulance.

We played a song on the way there and sang loud. I don’t remember the song now I just know it kept us from totally breaking down.

We arrive at the ER and shortly after my maw maw,two aunts and my cousin are there. No words at first just hugs. We wait and each take our turn to go in and see daddy.

By the time I get back there the ER doctor has been able to get the fluid to drain and for the first time since I arrived home I see a glimpse of the dad that I have always known. There is some joking, he is smiling. The doctor comes in and he’s wearing cowboy boots. I immediately think of Daddy Hat. I tell daddy that he’s in good hands…any doctor that wears cowboy boots has to be a good doctor.

After a while it looks like things are better. They are waiting on a room to be ready and they will move him upstairs.

I decide to go home so Ace can go to sleep and so I can relieve my mom, who has had the kids since she got off of work.

No sooner am I back at my grandparents house and I get a call that I need to come back to the hospital NOW. I grab stuff for Emi and Ace, load them in the van and head back up. It’s long 30min. drive.

I meet my brother back in the ER and he tells me that things went down hill, daddy was struggling to breath again. They needed to put a C-pac on him and he thought they were trying to keep him alive so he was fighting them. Josh said it was bad, I didn’t ask him for details.

We are up on the 6th floor I think. Daddy is resting as well as he can. He is still concious but the meds make him very sleepy. I stay until 1am and then decide to head home. The littles aren’t falling asleep like I thought they would.

We get home safely and I crash on the air matress with the littles snuggled beside me. I remember wishing that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which
we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think
we cannot.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

 

The anniversary of my dad’s passing is coming up this month. I really hate using the word anniversary. It is by no means a celebration. I found myself wishing I could skip October all together. I know that isn’t possible.

The pain is still there, it is still real. The absence is still overwhelming at times.

I opened my address book yesterday and his name and address are still there as if I am able to type out a letter and  mail it to him. I can’t.

Two years.

Two years.

Two years without my dad. Two years of missing him, wishing that he was here to enjoy his grandkids,wishing we could joke.

Two years without his voice. I really wish I could hear his voice.

Two years of sharing memories instead of making them.