The following entry is an account of the day before my dad passed away. If you feel this might be too sensitive to read please do no read any further.
These are my thoughts and my feelings and I need them out of my head. This is my place to blog and this is my grieving process.
I’m tired from the long drive the day before and somewhat in disbelief that I am walking through what seems like a dream. Seeing my dad last night brought me to tears and complete silence. I had no words. I had never seen my dad so vulnerable…ever.
The plans for the day are to go clean the old apartment so that the keys can be turned over. Jill is working after spending all weekend getting the trailer ready for daddy, Michelle and Jessie to move into. Josh is around…I can’t remember what he is doing I just know he is near.
The littles are with me. Now I remember where Josh is, he is purchasing the cleaning items that we need for the new place. Baking soda, vinegar, peroxide, no chemicals. Chemicals make it harder to breath. Daddy doesn’t need to struggle anymore than he already is.
Michelle called me earlier to ask me if I could come sit with daddy while she went to get some medicine. I decline out of shear fear of something happening while I was there and not knowing what to do. I regret that to this day.
I came by to just check on dad and let them know I was heading out to the apartment. I had stopped at the health food store in town to look for something that I can’t remember now.
When I finally got to the apartment I realized that I had forgotten the keys. So I turn around to go get them. By this time it is raining a heavy south Mississippi rain…wet and sticky at the same time. I parked the van in front of the house and told the littles I would be right back. When I walked in daddy was having trouble breathing. It was an episode like he had this past Saturday. I remember standing there watching him, feeling totally helpless to do anything. His eyes met mine and it was a signal that he needed more help than his meds were able to give. Earlier in the day the home health nurse left morphine. He asked for it, he needed it.
When it was clear that the morphine wasn’t doing anything it was time to call the home health nurse. Michelle called her and I called Josh and Jill.
The drain tube for the fluid in his stomach has clogged and the nurses that arrive can’t get it to work. Daddy is still struggling to breath. 911 is called.
The littles are scared and so I called my cousin Karyn to come get Emi, Ace stays with me. She had my older girls and my little sister Jessie. She was there so fast, freeing me up to concentrate on what was going on with daddy.
The ambulance arrives and the EMTs fill the living room of my sister’s home. They are doing their job and putting daddy on the stretcher when I hear him say to them that he has a DNR order. My heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach.
We call I love you as they take him out the door and into the ambulance. Rides are arranged and Jill and I are behind the ambulance.
We played a song on the way there and sang loud. I don’t remember the song now I just know it kept us from totally breaking down.
We arrive at the ER and shortly after my maw maw,two aunts and my cousin are there. No words at first just hugs. We wait and each take our turn to go in and see daddy.
By the time I get back there the ER doctor has been able to get the fluid to drain and for the first time since I arrived home I see a glimpse of the dad that I have always known. There is some joking, he is smiling. The doctor comes in and he’s wearing cowboy boots. I immediately think of Daddy Hat. I tell daddy that he’s in good hands…any doctor that wears cowboy boots has to be a good doctor.
After a while it looks like things are better. They are waiting on a room to be ready and they will move him upstairs.
I decide to go home so Ace can go to sleep and so I can relieve my mom, who has had the kids since she got off of work.
No sooner am I back at my grandparents house and I get a call that I need to come back to the hospital NOW. I grab stuff for Emi and Ace, load them in the van and head back up. It’s long 30min. drive.
I meet my brother back in the ER and he tells me that things went down hill, daddy was struggling to breath again. They needed to put a C-pac on him and he thought they were trying to keep him alive so he was fighting them. Josh said it was bad, I didn’t ask him for details.
We are up on the 6th floor I think. Daddy is resting as well as he can. He is still concious but the meds make him very sleepy. I stay until 1am and then decide to head home. The littles aren’t falling asleep like I thought they would.
We get home safely and I crash on the air matress with the littles snuggled beside me. I remember wishing that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.