You are a hard month for me, a bag of mixed emotions. The crispness of the air and the smell of warm things cooking in the kitchen make me fall in love with you.
The changing of the leaves, is a reminder that life is full of seasons and changes that lead to new growth.
Apples, pumpkins, and red cheeks from the winds that blow in, are all things that I love about you.
And then there are the days that I don’t love. The memories of the days of frantic phone calls, rapid travel plans, fear, sadness, and anger.
The memories of the hole that was torn in my heart. Tears that seemed to be never ending then, that still flow at times when I least expect it.
The feeling of helplessness. The struggle to remember his voice, his smile, his touch. The immense sadness that feels like it might crush me.
It isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask to be the month that carried my sadness. Still here it is and here you are. I am not sure why this year your presence has beckoned an even deeper sadness than previous years. It doesn’t feel like it has been four years, it feels like it just happened.
With every gust of wind I feel my breath taken away. The pain in my heart more cold and empty than the moment before.
I need you to move on. Please don’t linger. I feel as if you will never go and that this intense sadness will swallow me whole. I am not strong this year. Please understand. We will meet again next year and maybe then I will be stronger.
With mixed emotions,
I wrote this last year on my old blog. I feel pretty much the same way this year except I don’t feel as consumed by the emotions as I did last year. I don’t feel like I am drowning. Rereading this brought me back to those feelings and I realized that I am stronger this year for some reason. I’m still sad. I still feel slighted at his being gone, angry some days, lost sometimes, and profoundly lonely. I dreamed about my dad this week. I haven’t done that in a while. I can’t remember the details but I remember he was there. I woke up and in a flash remembered that he was gone and like a sucker punch to the gut the wind was knocked out of me. Five years have come and gone. Five years of not being able to make any more memories with him;Five years trying not to lose the ones I have.