Computer Crash

So, our computer will not turn on. It tries to but any get up and go it had, got up and went. I’m trying not to panic about all the pictures I have in there that are NOT BACKED UP. I am hoping a friend of ours can at least access the picture files.

Since the computer has crashed, my husbands lap top is a POS, and I really hate blogging from the WordPress app. this will be my last post until we either fix our computer or purchase a replacement. It bums me out in so many ways.

When a person that you deeply love dies, your world is altered. It is just never the same. One of the things I wasn’t prepared for was how much dates would matter. The calendar, for all intense purposes, becomes this annoying reminder of all the dates that were linked to that person. Their birthday, your birthday, annv., death date, holidays, and any other significant date that connected you to them.

This is how it has been for me for the past 5.5years. That is until yesterday. Yesterday would have been my dads 63rd birthday. Every year prior to this one I would have been emotional, sad, and likely very irritable. The build up to the date seems to always be worse. When the date arrives its almost like a release.

Not this year. I woke up this morning and went through my usual routine. I got online to work on some blog posts and it wasn’t until I was half way through one that I looked down and saw the date. I had even been texting with my brother and it didn’t dawn on me that he was checking on me. My mom called this afternoon to see how I was doing and I was doing great.

Then, after I hung up, there was this brief moment of guilt. I felt guilty for not being sad, for not having the same emotional build up to this day as I have had for the previous 5 years. And then I dropped kicked that guilty feeling out the second story window.

My dad would not want me to be sad and he sure as hell wouldn’t want me to feel guilty. He would want me to enjoy the laughter of my kids and even the loud meltdowns that  happened yesterday.

I miss my dad. That will never change. I smile when I think about how he would have called me early in the day and said “Don’t you have something you need to tell me?” We would have joked about the stale box of whoppers I gave him one year. In my defense they weren’t stale when I bought them…. I just forgot to mail them. 😉 I would have searched for a birthday card that would tease him about his age and he would remind me that I was ever closer to the top of the old age hill.

Guilt should never be a part of your grief. You shouldn’t feel guilty for the range of emotions you may feel after a loss. You should also not feel guilty when you realize that instead of dread or sadness towards the dates that are significant to you, you feel happiness, joy and gratefulness to be able to look back on the memories you shared and smile.

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My dad and me(4yo). Iceland 1978

Dream Trip

Today’s #BEDM blog post is about my Dream Trip. There is only one place that I feel I MUST visit again before I die. This would be Scotland. More specifically Machrihanish where I was lucky enough to live for almost three years. I am a Navy brat. My dad was in the U.S. Navy and communications was his specialty. In the 80s his duty station was at the RAF base near Machrihanish Scotland.

To describe where we lived as magical seems like an understatement. I spent hours upon hours outside exploring. I’m sure we had a t.v. but I don’t really remember it. I remember the dunes, the beach, the thistles, all the outdoors. When we first moved there we rented a home that was on the outskirts of the village. This was the view from my back yard.

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I know it is hard to see but if you look in the second picture there are some bridges waaay back there. They were my access to the beach. You can see them better in this picture below.

Bridges over the Machrihanish Water - geograph.org.uk - 484746

Oliver Dixon [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

These bridges were like magic portals to another land. The dunes that I had access to were, to a 9-10yo, massive and offered hours of exploration and imaginative play.

Stream on Machrihanish Beach - geograph.org.uk - 484758

Oliver Dixon [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Beach and dunes at Machrihanish Bay - geograph.org.uk - 1431767

Leslie Barrie [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I would often walk into the village to the local shop and buy sweets and shortbread. They had some touristy items there as well and I think I brought home a piece of black beach slate with some Scottish themed drawing on it at least every other week. I remember one had a thistle painted on it. A fruit and veggie truck would come from Campbelltown to the village on Thursday I think. I remember my mom buying leeks and potatoes from the man who drove the truck. She made great soup.  The fish and chip truck would come on Wednesday. We didn’t always get fish and chips but when we did it was heavenly. It was my first experience with food wrapped in newspaper and vinegar on my fries!

Machrihanish is south of a small community called Drumlemble. Since there were no DOD schools(department of defense) in that area my siblings and I went to the local school. Living in Machrihanish meant we attended Drumlemble Primary.

Drumlemble Primary School on the B843. - geograph.org.uk - 117281
Johnny Durnan [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

When I attended the four windows across the front were one large room that was divided for use between two teachers. I think they each had two primaries that they taught at a time. My teacher, who was also the headmistress taught in a room at the back. See the window on the side between the doors? We had three primary levels in our room. Around back there was basically just an open field. No play ground equipment that I can remember. It was here that I learned that I suck at taking timed tests. We had timed multiplication tests weekly it seemed. Even though I new my times tables I would freeze when it came to the pressure of answering everything in a 3 minute time span. I remember putting on the play ‘Cinderella”. We had hot lunch daily. It was always delicious. I still love warm custard.  Hot prunes were good too. It was eating those where I learned the rhyme Tinker Tailor . We would count the prune pits. 😉 I made friends that I remembered long into my adult hood and was thrilled to reconnect with two of them via Facebook. 

When family came to visit we would go sight seeing. I remember the castle at Inverness, and the beautiful gardens there. I will visit there when I go back.

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The countryside was always beautiful and held hidden treasures.

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Our closet big hub was Campbelltown. When we first came to Scotland we stayed at hotel there for a few weeks until everything was settled with our home in Machrihanish. When we got settled a trip into town meant we were going to visit the butcher, the baker and the flower shop. Bet you thought it was the candle stick maker. 😉 Not sure they had one in town. The family that owned the local flower shop also had a large B&B in Machrihanish. I remember going there a few times and that the older daughter in the family, Jane, was our babysitter, or child minder. It’s funny because I always thought it was neat that Jane was one of five girls, all having names that started with J. Fast forward and I now have five girls and for my sanity did not name the with all the same first letter. 😉

When I go back I want to revisit all of the places from my childhood. I expect change for sure but I am hoping it hasn’t changed so much that I can’t  recognize it. I also want to drive and explore. Take pictures, go slow, and just soak up all that the Mull of Kintyre has to offer. Something about that place made a huge impression on me. Part of me feels like it is still there, running along the beach, listening to the waves hit the shore, tossing rocks into the sea and collecting mermaid purses. I was lucky to have lived there. Lucky indeed.

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Favorite Social Media Site

Today’s topic for BEDM is your favorite social media site. I use Facebook everyday but I can’t say that it is my favorite. I recently just finished a 30 day break from the site. I like that it lets me stay connected with online friends and with my family that all live out of state. I can easily share pictures with grandparents or uncles and aunts. However, it can generate a lot of negativity and I have reached my bull shit limit. So, I made groups, fine tuned some of the friendships, unliked pages, and deleted a lot of people. I like my news feed now, minus all the suggested “like” pages.  I am working to keep it positive and that includes being more careful about the things I share. I have enough drama and crazy in my life without diving into all that shows up on Facebook. I do crazy well on my own! 😉

 

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My First Job

My first job was with K-Mart in some city in Maryland. I was a cashier and I actually liked the job. I was the favorite among my co-workers because my lack of social life gave me the freedom to cover for everyone that wanted a day off. 😉 The only people that I remember from that job are my step-mom and my dad. Michelle worked there for a long time I believe and my dad took a job there to supplement his pay from the Navy. This was also at a time when the company paid you in cash, at the back of the store. This is actually a crafty move on the part of the corporation. What better way to keep the money they pay their employees than by paying them cash and requiring them to walk back through the ENTIRE length of the store to exit it and go home. I don’t think there was ever a pay day where I left without spending something. I didn’t stay long in Maryland so the job was short lived. I went on to have several more jobs during my teen years before getting married and landing this gig as a mom of 5.

Pets!

Today’s blog everyday in May post is about pets. We have two Maizie and Jasmine. We adopted Maizie from a rescue and she is our chicken dog. She is afraid of a lot of things. I wanted a companion that I could go on walks with but that is NOT happening. If we are walking she tries to chase the cars that are coming at us and cowers in fear of the ones that come from behind. She is also a runner if she gets out of the house. I have used many a cuss word when having to chase her down in the neighborhood. It’s been a year since her last break out. I’m hoping we keep that up. She has typical lab traits…she thinks she is a lap dog. If you somehow convince her that she isn’t, she must at least be touching you while she is lying next to you. She is a fan of co-sleeping, kissing kids on the face, and wooden anything. Despite her flaws she is actually a sweet dog.

Then there is our cat Jasmine. She showed up in our garage as a runt kitten, likely abandoned by her mama. She was slightly ferrel when the oldest two girls rescued her from our mess of a garage. She calmed down quickly and litter boxed trained in rapid fashion. Unfortunately she arrived during the time when I had three children ages 4 and under. I think she spent a lot of time hiding, and running, and hiding some more, just to escape all the “love” the littles wanted to give her.  A few years have gone by and she is older and so are the little girls so she will actually let them touch her. Like most cats she is the queen and  you are the peasant. She meows at my door early every morning wanting to be let out. We have a routine. She goes out, I freshen her food and water, I sit down, she decides she wants back in. Cat to the max. 😉

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