I carry

I carry the weight of a single mom.

That heavy realization of the enormity of the path that lies before me. 

I carry the devastation they feel over all the changes that have been thrust upon them.

I carry their tears, their bad dreams, their pining for the way things used to be. 

I carry guilt that I can’t change that for them.

I carry fear of the future. The what ifs are heavy. 

I carry the desire for them to grow knowing loving someone does not have to equal losing who you are.

I carry the heartbreak of not learning that sooner. 

I carry the jealousy they feel when they spend time in two parent homes. 

I carry the sadness of the loss they feel about who he has become. 

I carry their confusion as well. 

I carry the responsibility of two while only being one.

I carry the realization that I am their example of strength. 

I carry the worry that I will fail.

I carry the tenacity to not let that happen. 

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Time

Of all the things divorce robs you of time is the one that it seems to like the most. Time, and all that I got to do with my girls in that time, is the only thing I miss. 

I miss the unhurried, slow days. Even though things weren’t always sunshine and roses there seemed an endless amount of time. 

Now? Not so much. I find it hard to balance needing to maintain a home and have them be helpful with just wanting to BE with them. 

I miss them every 5 day stretch but this past one was harder than usual. So when Z wanted to snuggle, that’s just what we did. 

I won’t tell you to not take the time you have with your kids for granted. We all do that no matter if we are single, married or divorced. We’re human after all. 

 I will tell you that you can find joy in just being together. No bells, no whistles, no $$ spent. Just your physical presence soaking in the wonder of who they are. 

Epic Mother’s Day

Today was one of the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had. The morning started of quiet with just me, the dog, coffee and the laundry I’m ignoring. 


The not so little, little girls woke up and presented me with cards and gifts. So super sweet. My new turtle charm will find a home on my desk at work. And a girl can never have too many kettle bells. 😉



After breakfast we packed up to head over to Terre Haute to have lunch with my oldest. She made grilled chicken salads that were so yummy and the perfect fuel for our hike! 

Yep, I wanted to hike with my girls today and I got my wish minus one. SiSi had to work so she missed out. I promise she wasn’t upset though. She hates nature. 😉

We chose Turkey Run state park. Today’s hike means I get to check off another state park on my 2017 hiking goal, plus add mileage toward my 150mile goal. 

I had planned to hike the easier trails but Alyssa felt that the girls could handle trail three which was labeled rugged. She had hiked it a few times before so I trusted she knew what she was talking about. 

I have never been more proud of my girls! They hiked that trail with no complaints and almost non stop. There were narrow cliff edges to navigate, creek beds to wade through and jump over, boulders to traverse. And let’s not forget the stairs. Holy hell! The stairs!


Turkey Run is such a beautiful state park. If you live in Indiana and haven’t been to check it out! 


Navigating the suspension bridge.



It was crowded heading into trail 3. As we got up to the area where the creek flowed more and the navigating became more slippery it thinned out. 

This was after we made it up the canyon. None of them batted an eyelash walking the edges of the sandstone. 


What has become a traditional shot on my hikes. 

There were a lot of places I would have loved to take pictures but there wasn’t always a safe spot to stop. When I go back and can take more time I’ll try to capture the ledges we walked along. 

We got a break from ledges and running water for a good part of the hike and then we came upon boulder canyon. 


The girls were champs getting through there and when we reached the bottom and turned the corner they were rewarded for their effort.


They were so excited! And this is such a cool waterfall. The area around it is beautiful as well. 

We had a pretty steep climb out of the canyon so Emily and I took a quick break while the other three completed the climb. 

And the rest of the trail……..


We had one wild life encounter. There was a ring-necked snake on the trail. Just a little guy. I’ve never seen one before. 

I can’t forget my random picture of moss…


And our family photo after a very rugged 3miles or so……

We loaded up and headed back to Terre Haute to grab supper before the drive back home. 

When I got home I came in to find these gifts from my 18yo.  Which were so thoughtful. She even let me give her a kiss and hug when I thanked her. Those that know SiSi know what a big deal that is. 


I’m told I have more gifts on the way so I’m looking forward to that surprise in a couple of weeks. 

It was an amazing day!  Checking stuff off of my epic shit list, moving closer to a couple of goals and the best part was I got to do it with my girls. 

Rise strong!

❤️ ya–

Jo-

Storms

Sometimes parenting happens in the car when one of your kids doesn’t want to come inside because she’s grumpy and it’s too noisy inside. Even the thought of the vibration through her body  if she were to climb the stairs is too much. 

So you bring a snack and you sit next to her and wait for the storm to pass. 

My 150mile goal

At the beginning of the year when I got my new planner I set some goals for the year. One of them was to hike 150miles. I’m 21 miles into my goal.

Today I hiked a local park with my friend Michelle. Eagle Creek Park is a gem of a park in the Indy area. I had been before with the girls to an owl program and to their discovery center but had not hiked. 

So today we opted for the longest trail which is 6miles according to the park map. Given all the rain we had I really expected it to be more muddy than it was. There were a few spots that were tricky to navigate but I love it when agility is needed. 

It was a beautiful hike! I’ll definitely be back to hike it again. 

Breathtaking

It’s three days out from my dad’s birthday. He would be turning 67 this year. He’s been gone almost 10. A decade. It doesn’t seem possible. When the picture below came up in time hop I immediately recalled that breathtaking feeling. I don’t remember the moment specifically but I can describe to a T the feeling of the realization. It’s like getting the wind knocked out of you.

The grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there in some form under the surface. Its intensity may change from day-to-day, week to week. It may not hit as hard as it did a month ago and sometimes, years out, it can hit you as hard as those first mind numbing days did. What has changed for me is how I recover from those unexpected moments. When they hit I grab onto the grief. I feel the feelings, I cry, I yell, I even wallow sometimes. I don’t stuff, I don’t fight, I don’t ignore. I let them swallow me up and then I get up. I call or text a friend. I hike, I remember something about my dad that makes me smile. I press forward. Sometimes the grief subsides quickly and retreats back under the surface. Sometimes it takes a little while. Eventually though, I get my breath back.

 

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